- Have you ever felt exhausted and unappreciated?
- Do you suffer from digestive problems like Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)?
- Do you run around being busy for everyone and run out of energy?
- Do you feel a sense of dread and are waiting for something bad to happen?
- Do you ever feel like there’s never enough time in the day?
- Do you regularly wake in the night and find it difficult to switch off?
- Are you thinking about a particular person a lot?
- Are there times when you do things you don’t really want to do?
- Do you find it difficult to say NO?
- Do you have a life for yourself, or does your life revolve around your loved ones?
- Are you attracted to toxic relationships?
- Are you concerned for a loved one in addiction and are constantly on edge and obsessing about the addict or another person?
- Are you a people pleaser and feel guilty often?
The questions above may give you time to reflect and ponder if you can relate to a lot of it, or recognise them in someone you know. The concept of codependency has been around for a long time, but the name has changed, and the meaning of it has evolved. In this blog, I will highlight personality traits that are associated with codependency and explain why codependency is a huge problem area for interpersonal relationships.
Many people I meet say, “What is codependency? I have heard of it, but not sure exactly what it is, is that when someone is dependent on another person?” And the answer to that is NO, being dependent on someone is not codependency. And many people say they have not even heard of the word codependency.
Definition of Codependency?
“a dysfunctional pattern of relating to others with an extreme focus outside of oneself, lack of expression of feelings, and personal meaning derived from relationships with others”
– (Health Research Board, 2022)
This definition of codependency means that a codependent focuses so much on other people that they lose themselves, they don’t really know who they are, what their values are, what their true feelings are, because they take on other people’s.
An unhealthy enmeshment occurs, bringing about severe, dysfunctional problems. A codependent doesn’t know how to express their own feelings, may have suppressed feelings, and struggles to identify how they feel. Neglect of self would happen as they focus on a person or people to the extreme.
In a nutshell, it is a very complex relational problem. According to Noriega (et al., 2008), codependency is when someone is addicted to a person or people. Their interpersonal relationships and communication skills are not healthy, and they often end up in toxic relationships.
Codependency and Interpersonal Relationships
These relationships can be romantic, family, friends and work colleagues. These toxic and unhealthy relationships have a profound negative effect on their emotional, psychological and physical health and negatively affect people around them too. A codependent has unrealistic expectations in relationships. This leads to unhealthy enmeshment, leading to a loss of individuality and autonomy. People who are codependent don’t always realise that they have codependency and therefore struggle with life and don’t know why. Sometimes their lives can become so unmanageable; they can hit a crisis point and reach out for help when they are in crisis. Once they reach for professional help, then it may be noticed by the professional that they have a codependent personality. There are personality traits that a codependent person has that negatively affect their relationship with themselves and others.
What are the personality traits of a codependent?
The personality traits of a codependent person are traits that are destructive for interpersonal relationships. A big one is poor boundaries, and in some cases, no boundaries. Having poor boundaries enables people to take advantage of someone with codependency. They don’t always respect other peoples boundaries, because they are unaware of boundaries. With the poor boundaries comes the inability to say NO. Not being able to say NO causes so many problems. They end up in situations they don’t want to be in, and again, people take advantage. Not being able to say NO and having poor boundaries gives a green light for a potential abusive partner to take advantage of their kind and people-pleasing nature. Any interpersonal relationships become enmeshed and messy. Unknowingly and unintentionally, the codependent can be controlling and manipulative. The control is from a place of care and protection towards someone they care about. Because of this over-caring, they can disempower the people they are trying to help. Due to the nature of the enmeshment, the codependent person has no concept of self; they don’t know who they really are.
Self-awareness and Positive Change
The beauty of identifying what codependency is and that you may be suffering from codependency is that you can start to learn and develop self-awareness. With self-awareness comes the possibility of positive change. There is no instant fix; there is a process, and it takes time. A professional counsellor and psychotherapist can help you on your journey of self-discovery and change. With self-discovery comes healing, and healthy interpersonal relationships happen as a result of change. The person becomes happier, more relaxed, more energetic and knows who they truly are.
References used in post
Health Research Board, 2022. The Spann-Fischer Codependency Scale (SF CDS). Outcomes measurement tool: relationships – co-dependency. [online] Available at: <https://www.drugsandalcohol.ie/26810/> [Accessed 24 March 2023].
Noriega, G., Ramos, L., Medina-Mora, M, E., and Villa, A. R., 2008. Prevalence of Codependence in Young Women Seeking Primary Health Care and Associated Risk Factors. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, [e-journal] 78 (2), p199-210. DOI: 10.1037/0002-9432.78.2.199